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Posts tagged ‘insecurity’

The fear of imperfection

Life is not all neat and tidy, presented to us all packaged up in pretty paper, with a lovely bow attached. No, more times than not, life can be messy, wrapped up in the funny papers instead. I tend to forget about the messiness of life when my own life is flowing so smoothly, with a few bumps in the road but not having to bust up the boulders that were in the way during so much of my life. But in recently reconnecting with a friend who is trying to find her way in life, having relocated to a new home many miles away just as I did, I am reminded of so many things; things about life itself and things about my own self.

My view of life here on earth is that of a classroom, with most of the lessons being learned in the experiential way, much like my internship I went through after studying various subjects in a school setting. And really, why else would we come here, if not to learn lessons from the messiness of life? Otherwise, wouldn’t we choose to stay in heaven, cavorting about in blissful perfection? No, we leave that place of wonder because our souls know how much growth comes from vast array of experiences on earth. And I remind myself that I chose to come here, to this place of many challenges, so that I could learn from all the imperfections. Relationships here are the perfect learning environment, as we dance our dances with one another; sometimes in step and sometimes stepping on each others’ toes.

After I woke up from my life I had been barely awake in for most of my years, I was able to realize and admit to myself that I struggle with issues of co-dependency and insecurity. When I did the test to determine what my Enneagram number is (the Enneagram is a system to help determine personality types), I came up as a nine, the peacemaker. Of course! I was always so afraid of conflict, of disagreements, of anything that would color my world and those in it less than perfect. And in my co-dependent way, I tried to control everyone and everything so they would be perfect and happy and peaceful. Now I can see that life and relationships are not always meant to be smooth as silk, although of course our ultimate goal is to be happy, especially with the ones we love. But along that road to happiness may be sacrifices made by one or the other, and a relationship is about loving honestly, not giving in to please everyone else just to calm the waters. Sometimes the sea has to boil, as well as ourselves. My ex-husband and I never argued in 27 years of marriage. I used to think that was something to be proud of, but now I see it as something that was so very wrong in our relationship.

So I welcome the teacher called imperfection, not running away and hiding in a corner until the storms pass. I find it is possible to love myself and others so fully with the constant knowing that we are all earth angels here together, all so perfectly imperfect.

Pain as a muse

I recently viewed a wonderful exhibition of encaustic art, which is the art of using wax as a medium, much in the way oil paints or watercolors are used as a medium. There were several local artists featured, and included with their work was a short biography of themselves as an artist, and where the inspiration came from to create the work they chose to exhibit. And many of them talked of painful times in their lives as the motivation to create, to purge themselves of the depleting emotions they felt. When I first starting writing, I found myself doing that very thing; writing the words in poems to express the hurt and the anger I was working through. It was a very powerful way to help me heal. After I came home from the art exhibit, I realized I hadn’t read some of those first words for a time, and that those emotions need to be shared as well as the joyous ones. Sometimes it helps to look back at where we were, to see how truly far we have come – and I have come a long way from pain to find a place of peace.

Onion Flower

 

Onion – like

Layers peeling away

Petals

Plucked off

One by one

“I feel love, I feel fear”

Hoping for the last petal

To be love

The absolute rawness

Of breaking

Splintering

Into a million tiny pieces

Of emotion

There it is

For all to see

I am naked, exposed

I like the exposure

Feeling the anger

I loosen its grip

Releasing emotion

Speaking

Shouting if I must

Silent and hidden no more

Poison

Insecurity

Is just fear

Masked in a different name

It paralyzes

Like venom from a snake

Unable to move

A helpless prey

So they use you

Sometimes they abuse you

Until the antivenin

Of strength courses through

To counteract

The poison of insecurity

In the Eye

 

I sit with the others

Listening to their stories

Adding tiny words of my own

Then their voices chime in again

The conversation swirls all around me

I am in the eye of this hurricane

Of shared thoughts

Invisible, unnoticed

It is calm where I am

They pay no attention to me

Asking no questions

No concerns

I stay quiet

Letting their windy voices blow on and on

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